...so says Marquez. Today I began on page 13 of Memories of My Melancholy Whores -and finished it. I have profound admiration for Gabriel Garcia Marquez and Pablo Neruda. Why I name them both here? I feel the desire to, and as Marquez noted him in a line of the book, I will note the beautiful poet here as well. I could have loved them both. Reading their writings I am moved to tears and laughter with ease. I am inspired, both in reading & writing.
This book I hold is not exactly mine. However, it is the perfect book to have borrowed from the one whom I write this passage about. When I walked out of sam's apartment with this book in hand I had no idea it would fit into my life as perfectly as it does. While reading this novela I underlined passage after passage, something I have not done in years. He said I could have it, but I am not sure if I will return it, at all, as is, or buy a new one to return without the underlines. In high school I wrote notes along the margins of books I read. They were quotes of a song I was listening to, my own inspirational mental meanderings, notes for an upcoming essay, or underlines of poignant passages. Upon finishing them, I would return the book to the teacher. After a few days I would sneak them out of the room so I can have all of my writings back. The artist & me, together on one page. Today, I felt the same. Years after I left the school, I returned all of the books. I am not sure what anyone thought to receive twenty books with notes enscribed along the sidelines. Perhaps it inspired another soul...that is all I can ask.
After my class tonight I ate a pizza & brownie dinner with my brother-man shane; not my brother by blood, but my brother by soul. We are very much similar, in looks & in presence: two hippy kids with blondish hair, lively eyes, and big smiles. It is commented by those that see us interact in our nods & recognition of the other. We endow upon others a comfort that is soothing to them & to myself. It is wonderful to know that there is a guy in this world who sees & respects me as a sister. I always knew I had a brother, it just took a long time, landmark, a cello, and a connection to ithaca to find him. i am ever grateful for his presence in my life.
We spoke of building eco-friendly houses together & inspiring people with creativity. I shared with him about this book, Memories of My Melancholy Whores & my own unrequited love. I shared how I am so very much inspired, in spite of, or perhaps due to, the circumstances at hand. On one hand, there is a man who is open with his love, who pampers me & makes great strides to try to be with me. On the other hand there is another who wants a life with me, but is so conflicted & disappeared. Why do I not pursue the first & choose the latter? Because I am happy sharing life together; because I grow & am inspired; because though his absence troubles me, with each absence my heart grow fonder; because I see the light at the end of tunnel; because my spirit has grown so much over the past few months with sam; because i believe... but it's not working. Perhaps Marquez is onto something: the world does move around the unrequited love. After all, how many love songs, books, poems, photos, films, & theater productions are based on this very topic? Artists thrive on this: this is the bread & butter of our souls. We are all here- in this very melancholy place!
Currently, I am left with only with memories & lines of writings. Even the love-inspiration candle I have from a healer in Mexico refuses to light. There is no hope. But hope brings nothing. Words & action bring what you put out there. Am I putting something out there? These writings, yes, but for what I am not sure of. Perhaps he will find these writings, and bestow upon me a long loving that will continue forever. It is insane for me to think of these things, but I look to them not in lamenting the past, but with a nostalgia of something that I shared with someone. Perhaps, just for a moment, it was real & happy. Perhaps it was once the perfect ending to Marquez' books. Perhaps, like a boomerang, if I let him go, he will come back. So...for better or worse, I will put my soul on the tablet & share what it is I believed in.
The quilted patches of my romance: Beautiful memories of my adored:::
You were my favorite sleeping partner: the one whose arm rested comfortably around my neck or waist without causing an ache. The one who spoke to me, and to whom I acknowledged, while I dozed; your voice is ever so tender. We spoke until the sun re-rose and the birds joined forces in their melodies; I was never exhausted by these talks, only invigorated with passion & life. I loved to caress your soft, fair-skinned body, look into your beautiful eyes & smile as you held me in your arms. To rest my head upon your perfect shoulders and move to music we instinctively made up was a highlight of my day. To photograph you as you stood in your own space and time brought delight. I loved how we played as innocent & fun as children, made up random songs, shared deep-opening conversations, and laughed at life together. Darling, you brought me comfort & happiness, inspiration & strength. You could have been my own Maestro...
These are words you brought into my world, and into my heart:
And truly, I really do think we are good for each other....I'll leave it at that...
...you are so cute & beautiful & cute... (yes, i did wake up to you saying that)
off to bed...I wish you were already in it keeping it warm
we have a very mature relationship, people usually only speak of these things after they marry & have kids
[marriage]... i think of going there with you
i am so glad I am on your way to something
you put me on a cloud too
i love to see you
i love to be with you
gotta get out of here, with you near
we have so much fun together
i miss you
...you are perfect...
you know how sexy you are...
you are my sunshine who i like to wake up to
So, the time has come to doze off into my own bed. I will sleep with an exhaustion of the day. What would it be like if you were keeping the bed warm? ...
My dear sister by soul. What you wrote is beautiful, clear and dripping with the topic you wrote about, unrequited love. Sometimes I wonder if it really is so unrequited. For I have experiences that are similar, and in some heart-wrenching way, the bruise that it leaves on our heart is delicious if we are open to what it is. To the potential and power of love. While I have often fought it and pondered why things did not work out, marinating in my lost opportunity and self despair, other times I have felt it as a gift, a glimpse of worlds that open through the doors of love. And that is also what i hear from what you wrote. Truly I do not know, and maybe there is nothing to be known, only experienced in the realm of love.
ReplyDeleteAlso, your pictures are truly gorgeous, I only looked at some of them, but they capture and share some morsels of life.
I'm thinking... the world is changing fast. It seems as though we are on the cusp of a new era. Maybe it is the era of love fulfilled and flourishing. It is what we make it, as individuals and as the human race. Wherever we go, in whatever we do let us be the possibility of full love flourishing, and not be concerned about what it is supposed to look like. My inkling is that love is always complete if we are open to it, in friendships, romance, family, and Divine Love, but we must lose our preconceptions of what it is.
Oozing with love
-Your soul brother Shane