The world is moved by unrequited, not happy, love...

...so says Marquez. Today I began on page 13 of Memories of My Melancholy Whores -and finished it. I have profound admiration for Gabriel Garcia Marquez and Pablo Neruda. Why I name them both here? I feel the desire to, and as Marquez noted him in a line of the book, I will note the beautiful poet here as well. I could have loved them both. Reading their writings I am moved to tears and laughter with ease. I am inspired, both in reading & writing.
This book I hold is not exactly mine. However, it is the perfect book to have borrowed from the one whom I write this passage about. When I walked out of sam's apartment with this book in hand I had no idea it would fit into my life as perfectly as it does. While reading this novela I underlined passage after passage, something I have not done in years. He said I could have it, but I am not sure if I will return it, at all, as is, or buy a new one to return without the underlines. In high school I wrote notes along the margins of books I read. They were quotes of a song I was listening to, my own inspirational mental meanderings, notes for an upcoming essay, or underlines of poignant passages. Upon finishing them, I would return the book to the teacher. After a few days I would sneak them out of the room so I can have all of my writings back. The artist & me, together on one page. Today, I felt the same. Years after I left the school, I returned all of the books. I am not sure what anyone thought to receive twenty books with notes enscribed along the sidelines. Perhaps it inspired another soul...that is all I can ask.

After my class tonight I ate a pizza & brownie dinner with my brother-man shane; not my brother by blood, but my brother by soul. We are very much similar, in looks & in presence: two hippy kids with blondish hair, lively eyes, and big smiles. It is commented by those that see us interact in our nods & recognition of the other. We endow upon others a comfort that is soothing to them & to myself. It is wonderful to know that there is a guy in this world who sees & respects me as a sister. I always knew I had a brother, it just took a long time, landmark, a cello, and a connection to ithaca to find him. i am ever grateful for his presence in my life.
We spoke of building eco-friendly houses together & inspiring people with creativity. I shared with him about this book, Memories of My Melancholy Whores & my own unrequited love. I shared how I am so very much inspired, in spite of, or perhaps due to, the circumstances at hand. On one hand, there is a man who is open with his love, who pampers me & makes great strides to try to be with me. On the other hand there is another who wants a life with me, but is so conflicted & disappeared. Why do I not pursue the first & choose the latter? Because I am happy sharing life together; because I grow & am inspired; because though his absence troubles me, with each absence my heart grow fonder; because I see the light at the end of tunnel; because my spirit has grown so much over the past few months with sam; because i believe... but it's not working. Perhaps Marquez is onto something: the world does move around the unrequited love. After all, how many love songs, books, poems, photos, films, & theater productions are based on this very topic? Artists thrive on this: this is the bread & butter of our souls. We are all here- in this very melancholy place!
Currently, I am left with only with memories & lines of writings. Even the love-inspiration candle I have from a healer in Mexico refuses to light. There is no hope. But hope brings nothing. Words & action bring what you put out there. Am I putting something out there? These writings, yes, but for what I am not sure of. Perhaps he will find these writings, and bestow upon me a long loving that will continue forever. It is insane for me to think of these things, but I look to them not in lamenting the past, but with a nostalgia of something that I shared with someone. Perhaps, just for a moment, it was real & happy. Perhaps it was once the perfect ending to Marquez' books. Perhaps, like a boomerang, if I let him go, he will come back. So...for better or worse, I will put my soul on the tablet & share what it is I believed in.

The quilted patches of my romance: Beautiful memories of my adored:::
You were my favorite sleeping partner: the one whose arm rested comfortably around my neck or waist without causing an ache. The one who spoke to me, and to whom I acknowledged, while I dozed; your voice is ever so tender. We spoke until the sun re-rose and the birds joined forces in their melodies; I was never exhausted by these talks, only invigorated with passion & life. I loved to caress your soft, fair-skinned body, look into your beautiful eyes & smile as you held me in your arms. To rest my head upon your perfect shoulders and move to music we instinctively made up was a highlight of my day. To photograph you as you stood in your own space and time brought delight. I loved how we played as innocent & fun as children, made up random songs, shared deep-opening conversations, and laughed at life together. Darling, you brought me comfort & happiness, inspiration & strength. You could have been my own Maestro...

These are words you brought into my world, and into my heart:
And truly, I really do think we are good for each other....I'll leave it at that...
...you are so cute & beautiful & cute... (yes, i did wake up to you saying that)
off to bed...I wish you were already in it keeping it warm
we have a very mature relationship, people usually only speak of these things after they marry & have kids
[marriage]... i think of going there with you
i am so glad I am on your way to something
you put me on a cloud too
i love to see you
i love to be with you
gotta get out of here, with you near
we have so much fun together
i miss you
...you are perfect...
you know how sexy you are...
you are my sunshine who i like to wake up to

So, the time has come to doze off into my own bed. I will sleep with an exhaustion of the day. What would it be like if you were keeping the bed warm? ...