ice cream...it's my favorite treat in the world. any flavor really, but particularly ben & jerry's cherry garcia (the yogurt). the brownie one is good too, as is the everything & then some flavor. carvel ice cream cake! breyers chocolate, edy's peanut butter...the thought of them is watering my mouth already! but i speak about this tasty dessert not as food, but as a lesson i learned, right now!
i realize how little patience i have for eating it. kei & i had some treats tonight. as frequently happens, she brought the ice cream out of the fridge & i was ready to delve into it. i couldn't wait. she giggles at my eagerness! it was frozen through & i wanted to have it, at that very moment, right then! why wait for it when it's right there - when we've spoken about eating it & it's right in our face? no need to waste time with this. but it's too hard to put a spoon into... she doesn't have a scooper, and tonight i thought to get her one to make life easy & less (waiting) time consuming.
i thought my eagerness was a result of loving the ice cream, wanting to savor it, devour it, enjoy it...but i do not know. for this moment, i am going to liken ice cream to love. perhaps instead of putting it on the stove or under hot water to warm up i should just let it warm up on it's own. no fire needed! perhaps this is the lesson of a lifetime! ice cream - my probable first love, the thing that was my main meal throughout middle school (yes, ice milk was my only part of lunch for nearly a year). perhaps it satisfied a pleasure i cannot name.
i always thought i was patient. growing up sharing a small room with 2 sisters. making up my own games & being on my own. being the eldest, the guide for all to follow. eating with the adults & not the kids. being a leader & team mate. teaching & working with children throughout my lifetime. learning new languages & foreign dances. reading, writing, analyzing, playing...it all required patience. but at this moment i learned that i am lacking patience in love, INDEED!
i think i was patient with love, very, very patient. i had no time frame, no calendar of when one thing should happen, what should happen by this time or that time. i had all the time in the world. i waited & waited & waited. i enjoyed what i had because it was what came when it did. i appreciated every moment & even learned to appreciate those moments of pure sadness & dread that went along with patience. however, he took me for a ride to nowhere & i lost that patience...after waiting eight years for the man i loved, the one i was going to marry, to finally fulfill on the the question (the one we talked about: marriage, family, moving into our apartment, traveling the world together, laughing together till we die, etc... yes...that one). instead, he asked someone else to be his. after i had waited my turn, so patiently, through thick & thin, through it all! i deserved the spot. i deserved it all...
so from that time forward, i suppose i made patience become a hindrance. i would no longer wait for a man to have me wait by his side; to take his time in choosing, because if he didn't know in a short time he will just drag it out & then not choose me all over again. if it works, just choose now? right? do i want to wait again... if i have to wait, the man & love will melt just like ice cream & be no good. what's good about totally melted ice cream, about totally disappeared love? nothing.
i put love under a fire, trying to make it ready for me when i am ready for it...i lately rushed love with someone i really want to share it with instead of waiting for it to bloom. so, here's to waiting for the ice cream! to letting it soften on it's own. this is my resolution kei :) these get-togethers are doing more good than i ever would have suspected! xoxo
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! that was soooo great! wow kim.
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