A winter clearing.

I was looking out the window on Sunday (post my fall). I hated the look of 'death.' Dried up, empty trees, washed-out white/grey sky: a bleak future. Then I remembered my Indian music class and the importance of the 'rest' note (the hand wave, 'empty' note, the 'zero'). Indians liken it to emptiness/death in winter. I realized the freedom in death: creating a clearing for life to come.

My own zero:
I just got back from a farewell to Andre. He is going back to Barcelona for a month or so. For the past several months, I have had such a heavy weight on my shoulders. A guy that I barely know or hang out with is so into me. He has good qualities: pampering, generous, artistic, European, good friendships, open, likes to dance, likes music, friendly, insightful, and wants to marry me. And what is wrong with that? Nothing, but I was so uneasy & didn't believe it. I also had feelings for someone else & did not want to let anyone else in. I couldn't deal so I took to pushing him away; I would stress myself out so much I would feel queasy. When we hung out, I cried, out of being so uneasy and feeling guilty for not liking him. So today, unsure if he was already on the plane or not, I stopped by to get my Ipod, give him a b-day gift & say ciao. It was awkward at first; again, I felt the heavy weight. He was willing to miss his flight & not go back home to stay here with me. All I had to do was say the word. I did not want that. I thought of the movie 'Before Sunset/After Sunrise' and how romantic it was and how I had those moments with someone else years ago. A kiss that lasted for three hours, while night turned to day, while cab after cab tried to pick us up to go somewhere, while people walked their dogs, while the rain drenched us to the bone, but no, not that, not tonight.
Over dessert at our local restaurant, I asked him why he liked me; I told him I didn't think it was me he liked, but perhaps the idea of me, and that I thought he didn't really even know me well enough to like me so much. We spoke openly and honestly. What he likes about me are things that I like about & see in myself. What he sees as a weakness is also what I see in myself (my lack of believing in myself is my own barrier to my greatness). It turns out he does know me. He has turned the page and let go of the idea of being together, but still likes & loves me for who I am. I appreciated this conversation immensely, for the opening it left me. The weight has lifted. The leaves of guilt have fallen away and I am free. I do not have to try so hard to like someone when I do not & that is OK. He lifted me up & hugged me goodbye. For the first time I finally felt comfortable with how I was with him, just me. All it took was 20 minutes or so to create this & now a budding friendship is there. Very sweet.

I am very comfortable right now - cleaning out the dead leaves in my own soul. I feel as free & light as I did this past January. It was a time when a lot opened up for me in so many ways & when I learned that everything is possible. I was free & open to love & grow & make incredible changes in my life & career. The past few months I closed up, but I see again that I have no anchors, no weights, simply freedom & friendships, light, clarity, and a beautiful fun ride in my boat. This is the time for me to grow & have fun & spread happiness & be creative. I am working on new photo & film & music & bike projects. I feel like a child again, just playing in life. Who knows what will happen?! And when adding someone into my comfy, cozy life boat, I will do so with ease, vulnerability, and graciousness. It sounds like silk.