el dia de independencia

...today's lesson: being open & vulnerable. it is very easy for me to be honest & loving & giving to others, but not easy for me to be open & vulnerable to receive someone else's care/adoration.

but why can i still be incredibly loving & giving & open with someone who has already deceived or hurt me? because it already happened. i can expect it; i know how it will go down & plan for it then recover. with me being vulnerable i am constantly looking for the dagger: sneak attack behind the back! an act so painful because in the crevices of my brain i thought the deceit would come anytime, & i am constantly pretending that i trust, hiding that i am terrified of being vulnerable. when the lie does come, my world crashes in on me. it is worse than expecting to be let down because, for a time, i trusted & opened myself to the possibility that someone would be true and good to me.

so...what do i do to let go? it is a constant battle to live right in the moment. every day i have to catch myself. i want to make those skeletons disappear for good! it is time to learn this lesson: how to open to my heart.

i want a simple life & simple love with beauty, independence, & inspiration. i know it is possible. it does not have to happen at this moment; but it is going to take some work, like gardening.

...on that note...do plants ever have feelings of fear during storms or while people walk through gardens? i mean honestly, are humans the only ones who suffer from past influences? why do flowers not fear to open up & show their beauty after they are cut from the stem, poorly watered, and battered from the wind? being conscious can't just be a human thing...can it? maybe we have a lot more to learn from nature than we ever thought...be true to yourself, beautiful, & open always.