winter & the rabbit

winter: today i walked new york; feeling lost at the sights of stores & streets i didn't remember. i was sweating with a fever & head cold & wanting to be curled up with a man that fit perfectly in my arms, lying next to a fireplace watching movies drinking mulled wine.... well...it didn't happen. instead, i dropped off home-remedies for a pal and got quite pissy after not eating & the japanese place i so wanted to eat from wouldn't deliver. i haven't ordered take-out in a year & i just wanted to be catered to today. i left, out of aggravation- how juvenile. after that, i went to the japanese place & ate the meal i so craved- it didn't even have a lot of flavor- that is my one requirement, something tasty, please! i dove deeply into my music as i seem to often do. consider it my own rabbit hole & me alice's white rabbit. but where the hell am i going?
sometimes i am so lost & lonely on this small island of new york. i've been here more than i planned for. seems my mission is finished here. i came here for music & love. i've seen all the music shows i've wanted (sans tori) and resigned at having love in the city. maybe i took the wrong path, but i suppose i am where i am because of where i've gone. not having a path any longer is like being lost & scared at sea. good that i am a pisces that loves water & can swim, but still...it's not comfortable. maybe this is what i need to do - just be zen; be at ease with the boredom and stop looking.

i remember 11th grade english class. mr. kelly the older lean & toned runner teacher-man let me sit on the window seat. somewhere in-between being a rebel & a loner, i stared out into space day in, day out, listening to his stories & lessons. i was adept at english composition & story lines, & bored. i was looking for something greater in life through that large window that faced the hill & baseball fields. he came over one day & said 'it looks like you're looking for your long-lost friend.' perhaps mr. kelly, i have always been looking for that person. perhaps i have found him & subsequently lost him to my own ego, pride, and vanity. the three evils- people do not teach you this in school. you read, study, memorize, & compose essays. no-one ever said how to keep people in your life, treat yourself well, or do what you have got to do to make a great life. i suppose i self-taught this with music. maybe not the best teacher, but it's what hits me the most. those english-class essays often were filled with music quotes or sub-plots eluding to a song's melody. the margins of my books & notebooks filled with line-after-line of songs. music is so ingrained in my life that i can seriously get bogged down & forget that it is not a life-source.
lately, i've really gotten into a nice blend of french hip hop, electro-tango, sweet female vocalists, reggae, and hard-hittin brit & indian pop. i've made mixes & sunk into myself in this way...but really, what does it matter? why do i keep on writing on this blog, grabbing songs, making mixes, putting together Talent Show!, and staying on this computer till 3am?! i think i am somehow going to 'get found' for my mixes & my love of & appreciation for music. i think someone is going to call & ask that i make a soundtrack to their stellar film & people will go bonkers for the timing of music & motion...but kid...this ain't happening...yet. yeah, i made some great foto films & mixes that i'm proud of, but i stopped shooting after the crash of my camera & loss of inspiration in this here city. i suppose this is the 'dip' people fall into. damn fucking rabbit.