santa

11.11.06
there is a certain hopelessness in this twin city: where life is dreadfully baren and yet some energy sparked me for the first time in a long time. where a simple hello and chat with random people makes me think that life is 'lively.' an escape from all else makes life in this biodome simple yet harder because i have to break out of the glass box that has surrounded me for some time. all i knew in my life is gone. i am starting over - displaced in a life i used to know. the past few days i have been sense-less. no, not stupid, but even a 110$ massage didn't do a thing for me. thai, on the other hand, was amazing. but i seem to be floating in-between 2 lives at the moment -twin lives in the twin city. it is as though i am coming to grips with my piscean halves. no, i am not schizophrenic, bipolar, or insane. saddened by what life has handed to me lately, yes...but because of that i'm also committed to making it better.

my favorite movie back in my childhood was 'the wizard of oz.' i believed in the good witch winning the war against evil...even those little people didn't scare me yet...she awoke from her crazy sad life and realized all she wanted was always around her. that the people she knew, loved, and respected were surrounding her in other people's souls. sometimes i feel that. i cannot help but think that some people i meet on my daily journeys are in fact others re-visiting me to 'check in' or just 'say hi.'

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soul cleansing # 1
written 1.14.06

so santa, you are the true figment of my imagination. when i least
expect it, you sweep into my life creating a whirlwind. I am not quite
decided if i am happy or sad because of it. I suppose life has not been
easy for you lately. i guess i can say the same for myself. I have many
unanswered questions for 'someone' sometime. Its funny because the friday
before christmas i had a dream where u walked into my place and
tackled me on the couch. i responded by saying 'you're back' and you smiled. Then
you called. I wish we actually got to chat. i do not understand why you
dont call back. its no exaggeration that ive never stopped thinking
about you, so when u called i was so happy. you sounded really happy too. so
many people to meet in this life, why do i think about u? because in my
eyes you were beautiful and i wish i could know how it feels to be surrounded by you.