so...here it is 1am. i am sifting through ad after ad on craigslist. my computer mouse is not working properly, my lips are dried as hell, brain is exhausted, my savings are depleted & i am financially broke. i've done well in terms of saving & spending little for eight months without much of an income. i realized today that rent this month is going to be hard to come by. sad that i actually have to sometimes rent my apt out to make enough money to live in it. this photography stint isn't up to par with financial obligations. working upstate & paying for the commute and not feeling like i'm fulfilling on my intentions of spending quality time w/the family is also bothering me, as is having a split life & always being on the road. being in close proximity does not necessarily promote emotional connection. today...i am lonely & frustrated at the moment. thus...the whole search for jobs on craigslist. though not the best way to search for a job while being in that state of mind- as nothing looks good or feasible.
how is that i was top of my class in high school, graduated from a well-established school with high grades in a double major, studied pre-med with top grades, was accepted into 2 national juried galleries with my photography, am really well-rounded, very amiable person as well as a great teacher of kids, and i am contemplating being a bike delivery person?
it's funny... it's also bullshit. it's not where i want to be at all! yes, i do love my bike, but come on! so...after conversing w/a great pal & thinking of all of the possible quick-hire jobs out there in this vast city of financial dependency, i remembered some conventional jobs that people in films have as i am fighting the thoughts. they don't really have to worry about rent & bills & such, but it's interesting how many great movies are made with characters in very average jobs...so here is a short list: sandwich delivery person; movie rental person, barista, deli-counter people, waiter, nanny, tv repair person, dog walker, street flyer distributers...well the list can go on for hours...people in the movies do not necessarily have to worry about ...pride, vanity, ego. but it's really getting me today. but alas, money in my pocket NOW is quite necessary. waiting out the medical photography job while hospital staff determines if a BA in photography is truly necessary isn't paying right now. so... do i go totally conventional, apply for nursing/PA or teacher? how do i make money with my photography, please, i really do not know? do i leave the states & teach english on a beach in middle of europe/asia/or mexico? do i find a roommate? do i take another job that i do not want just to be able to sleep & eat? no- that just isn't living...it just isn't...i wish i were my cat & had someone to take care of me right now. i am very lovable & loving. i have great ideas for social programs - sometimes i wish i were paid to put my ideas out there -like being a mayor. today, i applied for a google grant. save the world, easy, commit to a j-o-b that doesn't meet my selfish expectations, not easy for me.
venting is nice for a moment, but it doesn't really do anything... commitment...compromise...balance...organization & action. that's what i need. again, the big picture...
what do i love?
laughing, dancing, exploring the city, going to live music events, taking pictures of people, teaching people & kids, giving hi-5s, hiking, biking, swimming
who do i love to surround myself with?
good, fun people; kids; forward thinkers; people out to make a difference; artists/musicians
what do i offer that is willingly accepted?
an ear to listen, insight into photography, insight into medicine, where-to-go-city-life suggestions, travel tips, social issue ideas, artistic promotion, massages
Thanks for sharing all of this in this post. It makes a difference to me, to others.
ReplyDeleteI feel for you, and I don't know if there's anything I need to say, as I think you've got it, you just have to get on your path you choose and in your way. It's yours for the taking. Maybe not "easy" but my goodness, you are standing in front of a lot of beautiful choices.
And, I really like the lists at the end! You've inspired me to reflect similarly for myself. Thank you, Kim.