my stepping stone for today.

well, cassendre, you totally helped me get off the ground! stella, you inspired me to write again. i am blessed in so many ways- thank you world. yesterday, as cassendre came over to hang out, chat, go for a walk/run & jazz show our hang out totally changed direction. i showed her my own cello playing that i put on youtube. totally fearful of putting myself out there i did it anyway. because i was totally scared, i showed it to her. that is a new thing i am doing. being courageous (aka- having fear, but doing it anyway). kinda like my jumping off cliffs into the ocean, it may hurt, but likely, everything's gonna be alright. (ironically, bob marley is singin those exact words to me right now!)
well...in the past i was 'courageous' in a very passive way (so instead of jumpin i just kinda slid...) ...self promotion of myself & my art is the hardest thing i've ever done. photography, yeah, it's a little easier, because you cannot see me, hear me, or know my mistakes (well, maybe that one). with me playing my music, oh man! it's like being naked in front of the world. bad notes resonate in my ears like fireworks.
seeking perfection in all aspects of my life has not led to progress. no responsibility: no real breakthroughs. i am not perfect, quite frankly, no one really is. but on the flip side, we are all perfect in our own way, with our own blemishes. ego, pride, vanity: they're all inside this lovely head of mine.
cassendre actually edited my own cello video as i perspired next to her (i rarely sweat). to put my own name down, especially next to the word 'cellist', and more fearfully, to have a connection to music was too overwhelming for me. i'm all about promoting musicians, befriending musicians, dating them, listening to music non-stop, DJ-ing in the office, and photographing festivals: pretending that i am 'in it' (when i am actually just a spectator). what'd i'd love is to be part of a rockin band (like rasputina, jigsaw soul, or si se) & also play cello & perform in dance performances (alvin ailey or alonzo king's line dance troupe). am i doing that...no...not recently. do i have connections to nearly each one of those groups, yes.
what is the plan now? to link myself to my own creations. to be ok with failure, or even, hell, with greatness! and to laugh & dance along the way. will i at least give myself a shot... shutters in my body...! yes, i will.