love...or the lack there of...

Do you know what it's like to love, like really love again for the first time? It's wonderful, beautiful, full of fluffy little clouds that I float on until I hit the moon. Without being afraid to give, be tender, be sweet, nice, and jolly? To put something in the mail with scents and inspiration, and to be told that is one of the nicest things anyone has done in a long time? To be told I can be counted on for bliss...a beautiful word...the most beautiful word I could think of to be.

Then to be told I am an overly self-righteous, demanding, hypocrite who has horrible judgement but judges people too much. How does this fit? How did I go from Cinderella wearing the perfect shoe to the ugly witch whose shoes burn with hate? Where did I go wrong? How did I change so much in such a short moment? How did it go from 'you're perfect' to 'we just will never be compatible?' How did I fail? How did we fail? I am not wrong, you are not wrong. We see the picture differently, as we are standing in our own place.

In my heart there lived a man who I put there. Beautiful & perfect, fun & sweet. Times change, people change, little dirty things come out of hiding like bugs. I let myself resign to not being myself. To being the pathetic loser who fails in everything I do. This is the 'not-me' I speak of. The one who is anti-social for fear of looking needy & pathetic; the one who cries & demands love for fear of not being wanted; the one who looks at herself in disgust & embarrassment; the one who thinks I am not worth the time of day. This is the ugly side of me; the one who no one wants to be with; the one whom I run from; the one who destroys prospects of happiness; the "other one" in me. Surely, we all have this side...the little part of us that tells us, 'no, it's not possible' or something to that effect; maybe I am not alone. Well, this is my ugly mess that I have imparted onto the world. Sometimes I want to die for inflicting this negative stream of consciousness into life. Forgive me dear sir...I do my best.

I also dream big, am soulful & loving, compassionate & giving, beautiful & glittering. I am all of these things rolled up into one complete human being. When I am being myself, the me I want to be, life is beautiful & full of sunshine & happy clouds. Perhaps Bob Ross would have painted me on one of his beautiful canvasses that I tried to replicate time & time again. Perhaps how I see the world & my own art is perfect in itself; a happy little tree or building or child, or laugh caught in a moment on film. Perhaps I am perfect, the way I am made to be, defects & award-winning moments together. To be viewed in beauty, not to be put up in Marshalls, tagged: on sale & lonely.

To accept oneself, to be with oneself for a moment, a day, a lifetime. To be ok with & by myself, like really ok. Self-generating, living life to the fullest. To live & love & dance & laugh & smile & listen & listen again. To dance through life, because it really is a beautiful place we live in. I forget it for a moment, we all do.

I am on a path of enlightenment. I am not Buddha; I am Kimberly. This has been my journey for the past seven months. To be integrated with myself, to be connected to others, to touch my heart & mind together & to get the sensation as though I am floating above a chair (it did happen once & it was beautiful). If I go insane for a moment, I apologize. It is not always easy to deal head-on with life; to throw myself into the mud of my soul. I am a person, a human being, whole & complete & beautiful in my own way. You are too. Take me as I am, teach me a lesson. I am listening to all that you say.

~Thank you~