Opening the door.

Months ago I took my blog off, today I am inspired to write. So I re-create this blog.

Yesterday I photographed an event for Survivors of torture - many enlightened Buddhist monks end up in NYC after being physically & emotionally tortured. It's sad, but they have compassion for the people torturing them. It was a great event, put on by a dear friend, Caitlyn Hardy (sister of my soul-brother Shane). Their adorable, ever-present parents and cousin and girlfriend were there, amongst the many amazing people that came. One young woman came up to me and asked some questions about my camera, lighting, and photography. Julia is a college student up to a huge life. I have not felt so inspired by someone in quite a long time. After I asked her what she likes to photograph we went to her bag and she pulled out a book. It was a photographic journal of the children in Africa that she worked with and I could not believe my eyes. She taught herself Illustrator & put this together. I kept thinking of how amazing college kids are! How expressive and full of live, thought, and inspiration. They are the dreamers, the future of this world. She reminded me a lot of myself. A lover of love and dreams. Hippie chick living on a small island, hers is up in Maine, trying to make life even better for those around her.

I'm trying the same, but today is hard as I feel I am not giving myself a better life. I met with an old childhood friend, her hubby and their adorable 2.5 year old daughter. It was amazing - babytime! I truly love kids- their life, their spirit, their love, laughter, and curiosity. I took her by the hand and walked and danced with her, on the sidewalk and on a treadmill inside a sports store. My boyfriend asked if it made me want a child. I love spending time with kids, but at this time in life I do not have what it takes to care fully for myself, let alone someone else. I had a moment when I looked at my cat and thought: I do not even have enough cash this month to fill my cupboards or buy you enough of what you need. It's a scary moment.

So I work, look for jobs and delve into music. I am listening to records until the tape on my turntable starts screeching: Eva Cassidy, John Lennon & Yoko Ono, and Atlantic Pacific. Roberta Flack is close-by but I am keeping her at bay. I move my candles and start to meditate/pray/cry. I am grateful for all of these amazing things I am doing now: a photographic documentary of a theatrical production organized into a graphic book; music video and film stills; music documentary of shows & festivals; publicity shots of corporate and gala events; managing a ukulele hip hop musician; medical photography; being a girlfriend, a friend, lover, support, daughter, sister, artist, healer, and woman. I have faith in the good of humanity and a higher power that is leading me on my way. I wonder how I am going to make it from here to there. How I can live for eight years in this city, with one job that I did not love so much in a variety of relationships that worked and did not, with enough money to go out several times per week and spend hundreds on clothing, books, electronics, wine, and music. Today, I have several jobs, a photo that just sold at auction, a relationship that I am nurturing, a home I love in a city that I still love, good family and friends around me, good health, and yet I do not have enough funds to live or totally enjoy the time with people. I need to take my life to the next level. I have a difficult time requesting money for work and I see that people around me in life have a similar problem. There has got to be a way to bust down that door of 'not enough' and have an overwhelming amount of abundance. How much investment can one put into the passions of life until it starts to shell out? Is it right to ask for something? Having no expectations is good, but...

According to my tea poetry tag "Gratitude is the opening for abundance," so this is the beginning of my gratitude journal if you may. Thank you for viewing, if you are there.

spring in the fall?

"I do believe, that if people would just start by saying "it's fun," when it seems hard; "I'm happy," when they seem sad; and "I know," when it seems as if they don't, they'd finally discover that it really is, they really are, and they always have." ~Notes from The Universe. Precisely what I needed to hear. You really know what to say to me; thank you a million times over.

This morning two little german girls ran into the subway car; their parents followed. One of them, probably 6, lay sprawled out on the seat, cute little shoes dangling over the side of the seat & totally comfortable as if it were her own bed. I admired them for a minute- maybe not knowing anything about the fast-paced city they were in & totally taking over the place. I admire kids for their sense of comfort. I took a picture in my mind & took on being carefree today. Laughing out-loud to the book 'me talk pretty one day', and every time I want to retract into myself I open more, like a flower.

mrs meyers soap for the soul ;)

waking up in the most horrid of moods, sobby tears b/c i was a jerk. i took on being 100% straight with people - and totally fun too! clean, create, clean, create. it's one hell of a livelihood but it makes things happen. it's like an artist with an erasable canvas. i am creating love like i never knew it to be. who knows what is gonna show up. but life is a field of dreams when i'm the creator. god/etc. must have felt pretty damn nice. :)

musings on facebook...

my mom was on facebook before me!! as were 3 of my aunts and an uncle, and nearly the whole world. i remember back, um years ago, when my cousin christina was in high school (now she's graduated college). steve & i were both invited by her & his brother to join. we laughed- didn't want to be on a social site. well, he was on facebook a long time ago. today i joined & it's filled to the brim with this whole world!!!! it took my friend julian to go to denmark & say 'kim will you just go on facebook' for me to do it - i replied, 'for you, yes i will.'
i have to admit it was really great to see pics of all my pals!! so close & at hand. kei - no more private showings of photos needed (but i still prefer them anyway!). so i guess it's not so bad- bringing technology to connect people... i'm grumbling & smiling... :)

music manager

ok i am doing kartwheels right now - i was just asked to be jon braman's music manager!!! he is a ukulele hip hop artist with a great personality, sound, and is so unique. he's freakin awesome quite honestly!!
a few days ago i sat next to one-leg chuck - a bi-coastal reggae musician - on the bus. i had seen him a few times & that day i got to chattin w/him- he is looking for a produer & i said if i were a producer i would totally produce his work. now i am a music manager & damn why not be a freakin producer. this is totally one of the most amazing moments of my life!
i am just laughing at what life is handing me - cherries, not magic.

the simple good life

quite a wonderful day today...the simple pleasures...
woke up got out of bed... you know the song :)
snuggled with my kitty. cute lil one she is. good tunes on the subway. pleasant patients, good quality photos; tasty homemade lunch w/a friend; chatted w/my sis; met my best pal for dinner; played a hot sweaty exhilarating game of pool, ping pong, and bowling; edited photos & listened to new good tunes; strummed my guitar and off to bed... following my heart...this is what i call living a life i love... :)

my split brain

Last night I had a split. Realizing the absolutely beautiful power of love that I have for all of mankind & how I can truly just be peaceful & at ease & exude great gentleness & beauty. On the flip side, I tried to mend, then rejected, someone’s heart who I truly love. I give him the benefit of the doubt and then doubt everything he says/does. Maybe it's warranted as he gives love then takes it away. There is no space. It’s utterly confusing & frustrating (& I imagine) not only for me. Last night, I really got how much of past relationships I ‘edit into’ other relationships with people & the stories I create & negative reactive actions I unknowingly take. Fear has crept into this sweet heart of mine & taken over for a little while, like dusty spider webs. For someone who believes love is worth more than gold, this is venom for the soul. I can turn from a 30 year-old beautiful woman into a five year-old child fearful of not being loved & being misunderstood, throwing an internal emotional tantrum. It’s so sad for someone to know me as this. Maybe it’s worse for me than others because I know what I am capable of and I want to put my best foot forward, but still… it hurts. I’m exhausted of carrying the weight of two, but realizing how I altered the vision of the load doesn’t make it easier… so I put his heart down, push it aside, and walk away. It’s not me…but it’s what I did. This is today, at this moment…it’s time I left it at that and just carry on. Perhaps he just isn't the right one & in some ways I know that...in others I cannot help but remember the absolute peaceful love that i feel in his arms. Maybe that's how life is...? There is thin line on the crest of the human-brain-split-halves.

2 songs for the recovering torn corazon.

Clark Gable by Deathcab for Cutie
I was waiting for a cross-town train
In the London underground
When it struck me
That I've been waiting since birth to find
A love that would look and sound
Like a movie
So I changed my plans
I rented a camera and a van
And then I called you
"I need you to pretend that we are in love again"
And you agreed to

I want so badly to believe
That there is truth, that love is real
And I want life in every word
To the extent that it's absurd

I greased the lens and framed the shot
Using a friend
As my stand-in
The script, it called for rain
But it was clear that day
So we faked it
The marker snapped
And I yelled, "Quiet on the set!"
And then called, "Action!"
And I kissed you in a style
Clark Gable would have admired
(I thought it classic)

I want so badly to believe
That there is truth, that love is real
And I want life in every word
To the extent that it's absurd

I know you're wise beyond your years
But do you ever get the fear
That your perfect verse is just a lie
You tell yourself to help you get by?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Let it be by The Beatles
When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....