Opening the door.

Months ago I took my blog off, today I am inspired to write. So I re-create this blog.

Yesterday I photographed an event for Survivors of torture - many enlightened Buddhist monks end up in NYC after being physically & emotionally tortured. It's sad, but they have compassion for the people torturing them. It was a great event, put on by a dear friend, Caitlyn Hardy (sister of my soul-brother Shane). Their adorable, ever-present parents and cousin and girlfriend were there, amongst the many amazing people that came. One young woman came up to me and asked some questions about my camera, lighting, and photography. Julia is a college student up to a huge life. I have not felt so inspired by someone in quite a long time. After I asked her what she likes to photograph we went to her bag and she pulled out a book. It was a photographic journal of the children in Africa that she worked with and I could not believe my eyes. She taught herself Illustrator & put this together. I kept thinking of how amazing college kids are! How expressive and full of live, thought, and inspiration. They are the dreamers, the future of this world. She reminded me a lot of myself. A lover of love and dreams. Hippie chick living on a small island, hers is up in Maine, trying to make life even better for those around her.

I'm trying the same, but today is hard as I feel I am not giving myself a better life. I met with an old childhood friend, her hubby and their adorable 2.5 year old daughter. It was amazing - babytime! I truly love kids- their life, their spirit, their love, laughter, and curiosity. I took her by the hand and walked and danced with her, on the sidewalk and on a treadmill inside a sports store. My boyfriend asked if it made me want a child. I love spending time with kids, but at this time in life I do not have what it takes to care fully for myself, let alone someone else. I had a moment when I looked at my cat and thought: I do not even have enough cash this month to fill my cupboards or buy you enough of what you need. It's a scary moment.

So I work, look for jobs and delve into music. I am listening to records until the tape on my turntable starts screeching: Eva Cassidy, John Lennon & Yoko Ono, and Atlantic Pacific. Roberta Flack is close-by but I am keeping her at bay. I move my candles and start to meditate/pray/cry. I am grateful for all of these amazing things I am doing now: a photographic documentary of a theatrical production organized into a graphic book; music video and film stills; music documentary of shows & festivals; publicity shots of corporate and gala events; managing a ukulele hip hop musician; medical photography; being a girlfriend, a friend, lover, support, daughter, sister, artist, healer, and woman. I have faith in the good of humanity and a higher power that is leading me on my way. I wonder how I am going to make it from here to there. How I can live for eight years in this city, with one job that I did not love so much in a variety of relationships that worked and did not, with enough money to go out several times per week and spend hundreds on clothing, books, electronics, wine, and music. Today, I have several jobs, a photo that just sold at auction, a relationship that I am nurturing, a home I love in a city that I still love, good family and friends around me, good health, and yet I do not have enough funds to live or totally enjoy the time with people. I need to take my life to the next level. I have a difficult time requesting money for work and I see that people around me in life have a similar problem. There has got to be a way to bust down that door of 'not enough' and have an overwhelming amount of abundance. How much investment can one put into the passions of life until it starts to shell out? Is it right to ask for something? Having no expectations is good, but...

According to my tea poetry tag "Gratitude is the opening for abundance," so this is the beginning of my gratitude journal if you may. Thank you for viewing, if you are there.