tonight's thoughts: being sexy, sensual, and being a womanhow is it that kei & i have been lacking these traits recently? thoughts of womanhood made me feel ill - first visual thoughts: old, haggardly, fat, ugly, gross, child-birthing -- this is ridiculous!
our best friends growing up, through college, and recently have been men! my dad, drew & male neighbors were my best pals growing up. steve, luis, and julian have been my closest pals in the last years- not too much to learn about being a woman when i'm surrounded with men. many of my close female friends are not feminine. my mom used to use oil of olay & i thought it was so feminine, but she stopped long ago. my gram is more of a cute lil lady that comes across as more powerful than bouncers, not a classy Audrey-look-alike. note to self: my very feminine friends are no accident - i insert them into my life as a possible feminine filler and then totally resist their girli-ness! lightbulb moment: this is why men have strong Asian & European fetishes- they ARE SEXY FEMALES!!!! guys want women - not kids or tomboys! they want a sensuous deep engaging look, light touches that flirt with possibility, and to be tied up & taken for a ride. this is sexy. this is me...sometimes...not always.
are American women losing their femininity? in this new chapter of our culture, American women are in competition with men more then ever. instead of being different, we are fitting in with them. our clothing has changed: suits are in, jeans are in, comfort is in. sexy has taken a backseat. we are surrounded by men we should not date (in work places), surround ourselves with vulgarities, and we put up emotional walls & have forgotten how to be women!
is it a wonder these american guys i've dated/been with are totally into asian women? likely not. when i was dating sam he told me i was one of the most feminine woman he's ever dated & so sexy (which shocked & touched me); after a date with trevor i totally felt like a woman (this also made a huge impression); entering a banquet with adrian i felt like a regal princess (apparently the moment i became open to an affair). it appears that when sexiness disappears, so do they. european and asian men seem to have more patience & consideration- they see the whole me & appreciate me for me. reverse correlation? not sure.
there are definitely times when this sensuous, sexy, beautiful, romantic side is there. but today, i sat across the table from a woman who looked very similar to me and i thought she was stunning, sexy, and classy. we wore such similar clothes & looked so similar, but i did not feel sexy myself. what's going on here?
two weeks ago one of my coaches in my self-expression class told me i was a coy mistress & this weekend i totally realized it! i have played with guys! i flirt but nothing else. i literally smile & skip away. why? maybe i've closed up the idea of being vulnerable. but with vulnerability, intimacy is possible. why am i not? fear of them thinking i am not good enough perhaps. hidden thoughts: i am not fun enough, interesting enough, knowledgeable enough, womanly enough, exotic enough, beautiful enough, funny enough, artistic enough, classy enough, i do not like the sound of my own voice...oh that sucks. that's all not working for me.
i want to seduce someone -to be loving, vulnerable, sexy, sensual, and be real. am i ready for a really successful relationship? soon, yes. i totally was free last year & had a very beautiful, soul-inspiring, intensely sensual relationship, but after mis-communication and emotionally closing up it went downhill. i guess i still have to just let this go.
what is my plan? i ripped out magazine photos of what i think is sexy & sensual. i am posting these up as a reminder. be classy, romantic, sensual, and sexy. no more 'coy, cute kid' mentality. ask my feminine pals for advice. continue working on my body-tone. keep lips soft & sensual & no more peeling! keep groomed. wear clothes that highlight my shoulders and neck work. no more playing. !!basta ya!! commit to making romance successful filled with honor & care. date a fun, spirited, sexy, caring, loving, direct man with a commanding, inspirational, gentle, and generous personality. my goal of writing this: to bring some inspiration into life- to make sensuality beautiful and present.
