why i love my job

learning about the skin & all the normal/abnormal things that happen to it
i use one of the best photo systems in the world
my co-worker, daphne, is awesome
i work with a lady named bjork
my collegues are a community & we have lunches together when we can
the prez of my hospital was recruited to work with obama & serves on his team!
i'm autonomous
there are so many plants here that are thriving - good for the soul
i can listen to music & do things at my own pace
i go in on surgeries & calm patients down while taking their photos
someone comes in w/gloves & cleans my desk area
i do not have to answer the phone often
i work hours that work with my life
people smile around here

declaration of human rights

OUR RIGHTS -

play on brother. play on sister. let's make this world the best we can imagine it to be.

convos w/kei: pt 3: sensual beauty

tonight's thoughts: being sexy, sensual, and being a woman
how is it that kei & i have been lacking these traits recently? thoughts of womanhood made me feel ill - first visual thoughts: old, haggardly, fat, ugly, gross, child-birthing -- this is ridiculous!

our best friends growing up, through college, and recently have been men! my dad, drew & male neighbors were my best pals growing up. steve, luis, and julian have been my closest pals in the last years- not too much to learn about being a woman when i'm surrounded with men. many of my close female friends are not feminine. my mom used to use oil of olay & i thought it was so feminine, but she stopped long ago. my gram is more of a cute lil lady that comes across as more powerful than bouncers, not a classy Audrey-look-alike. note to self: my very feminine friends are no accident - i insert them into my life as a possible feminine filler and then totally resist their girli-ness! lightbulb moment: this is why men have strong Asian & European fetishes- they ARE SEXY FEMALES!!!! guys want women - not kids or tomboys! they want a sensuous deep engaging look, light touches that flirt with possibility, and to be tied up & taken for a ride. this is sexy. this is me...sometimes...not always.
are American women losing their femininity? in this new chapter of our culture, American women are in competition with men more then ever. instead of being different, we are fitting in with them. our clothing has changed: suits are in, jeans are in, comfort is in. sexy has taken a backseat. we are surrounded by men we should not date (in work places), surround ourselves with vulgarities, and we put up emotional walls & have forgotten how to be women!
is it a wonder these american guys i've dated/been with are totally into asian women? likely not. when i was dating sam he told me i was one of the most feminine woman he's ever dated & so sexy (which shocked & touched me); after a date with trevor i totally felt like a woman (this also made a huge impression); entering a banquet with adrian i felt like a regal princess (apparently the moment i became open to an affair). it appears that when sexiness disappears, so do they. european and asian men seem to have more patience & consideration- they see the whole me & appreciate me for me. reverse correlation? not sure.
there are definitely times when this sensuous, sexy, beautiful, romantic side is there. but today, i sat across the table from a woman who looked very similar to me and i thought she was stunning, sexy, and classy. we wore such similar clothes & looked so similar, but i did not feel sexy myself. what's going on here?
two weeks ago one of my coaches in my self-expression class told me i was a coy mistress & this weekend i totally realized it! i have played with guys! i flirt but nothing else. i literally smile & skip away. why? maybe i've closed up the idea of being vulnerable. but with vulnerability, intimacy is possible. why am i not? fear of them thinking i am not good enough perhaps. hidden thoughts: i am not fun enough, interesting enough, knowledgeable enough, womanly enough, exotic enough, beautiful enough, funny enough, artistic enough, classy enough, i do not like the sound of my own voice...oh that sucks. that's all not working for me.

i want to seduce someone -to be loving, vulnerable, sexy, sensual, and be real. am i ready for a really successful relationship? soon, yes. i totally was free last year & had a very beautiful, soul-inspiring, intensely sensual relationship, but after mis-communication and emotionally closing up it went downhill. i guess i still have to just let this go.
what is my plan? i ripped out magazine photos of what i think is sexy & sensual. i am posting these up as a reminder. be classy, romantic, sensual, and sexy. no more 'coy, cute kid' mentality. ask my feminine pals for advice. continue working on my body-tone. keep lips soft & sensual & no more peeling! keep groomed. wear clothes that highlight my shoulders and neck work. no more playing. !!basta ya!! commit to making romance successful filled with honor & care. date a fun, spirited, sexy, caring, loving, direct man with a commanding, inspirational, gentle, and generous personality. my goal of writing this: to bring some inspiration into life- to make sensuality beautiful and present.

convos w/kei: part 2: sexy secrets

today marked the victoria's secret fashion show - a sexy day for all watching. my body sculpting class right before the show was an added bonus. i love spending time w/kei & giggling like kids, drinking tea, and sharing sex secrets.

sexiness: what's up with it? where did we get the idea of what is sexy and how to be sexy? why do i feel it at times, not at others. sometimes guys see me as sexy & i cannot imagine how at the moment. is it in my face, lips, eyes, walk, breasts, legs? is it the freedom i give off at the moment, an expression, or what i'm (not) wearing? whatever it is, it feels good. there have been definite times when i see i'm sexy. sometimes it happens when i'm walking down the street smiling or dancing or singing to a song, other times it's in the heat of the moment & i look at myself and think, 'oh damn! nice body kim!'

to add to these sentiments, my goal: lose 14 lbs, tone my arms, regain my 2 pack & oblique lines, & firm up those inner thighs. i'm working on a self-portrait project to showcase my body & these changes. for the moment, this chick will serve as inspiration.

frenchies

i'm really gettin into french hip hop: oxmo puccino and shurik'N
both have a nice blends of string backdrops
think a chill blend of wyclef & wu-tang

A winter clearing.

I was looking out the window on Sunday (post my fall). I hated the look of 'death.' Dried up, empty trees, washed-out white/grey sky: a bleak future. Then I remembered my Indian music class and the importance of the 'rest' note (the hand wave, 'empty' note, the 'zero'). Indians liken it to emptiness/death in winter. I realized the freedom in death: creating a clearing for life to come.

My own zero:
I just got back from a farewell to Andre. He is going back to Barcelona for a month or so. For the past several months, I have had such a heavy weight on my shoulders. A guy that I barely know or hang out with is so into me. He has good qualities: pampering, generous, artistic, European, good friendships, open, likes to dance, likes music, friendly, insightful, and wants to marry me. And what is wrong with that? Nothing, but I was so uneasy & didn't believe it. I also had feelings for someone else & did not want to let anyone else in. I couldn't deal so I took to pushing him away; I would stress myself out so much I would feel queasy. When we hung out, I cried, out of being so uneasy and feeling guilty for not liking him. So today, unsure if he was already on the plane or not, I stopped by to get my Ipod, give him a b-day gift & say ciao. It was awkward at first; again, I felt the heavy weight. He was willing to miss his flight & not go back home to stay here with me. All I had to do was say the word. I did not want that. I thought of the movie 'Before Sunset/After Sunrise' and how romantic it was and how I had those moments with someone else years ago. A kiss that lasted for three hours, while night turned to day, while cab after cab tried to pick us up to go somewhere, while people walked their dogs, while the rain drenched us to the bone, but no, not that, not tonight.
Over dessert at our local restaurant, I asked him why he liked me; I told him I didn't think it was me he liked, but perhaps the idea of me, and that I thought he didn't really even know me well enough to like me so much. We spoke openly and honestly. What he likes about me are things that I like about & see in myself. What he sees as a weakness is also what I see in myself (my lack of believing in myself is my own barrier to my greatness). It turns out he does know me. He has turned the page and let go of the idea of being together, but still likes & loves me for who I am. I appreciated this conversation immensely, for the opening it left me. The weight has lifted. The leaves of guilt have fallen away and I am free. I do not have to try so hard to like someone when I do not & that is OK. He lifted me up & hugged me goodbye. For the first time I finally felt comfortable with how I was with him, just me. All it took was 20 minutes or so to create this & now a budding friendship is there. Very sweet.

I am very comfortable right now - cleaning out the dead leaves in my own soul. I feel as free & light as I did this past January. It was a time when a lot opened up for me in so many ways & when I learned that everything is possible. I was free & open to love & grow & make incredible changes in my life & career. The past few months I closed up, but I see again that I have no anchors, no weights, simply freedom & friendships, light, clarity, and a beautiful fun ride in my boat. This is the time for me to grow & have fun & spread happiness & be creative. I am working on new photo & film & music & bike projects. I feel like a child again, just playing in life. Who knows what will happen?! And when adding someone into my comfy, cozy life boat, I will do so with ease, vulnerability, and graciousness. It sounds like silk.

inspiration!

ONE LEG CHUCK!!
I saw this dude play union square subway the day before he left for his trip back to California, getting ready for the birth of his child. He was so positive & free & he saw his own work as a great contribution to society. I bought his CD & love it! Here, this one -leg Chuck sat, microphone hooked up to his wheelchair, guitar strapped to him & he was singin his heart out, with reggae flowing through the subway walls- it was phenomenal!

Love on, brother!

See this guy Owen's post (here) for another write up of Chuck.