this blog seems like lifetimes ago, so many things i went through, mud i swam in and almost sunk in. no real need to publish things on here, but general update. thank you bjorn for inspiring me to re-load my blog for you to find an artist & for me to realize all the amazing musical input i had on here. sad love moments i can do without but it was a part of me at the time.
today, i totally feel on top of the world, though i know everything is temporary. relishing in a moment of sheer bliss and looking forward to the many changes in my life. likely moving to another island to study acupuncture. Hawaii is just a bit farther away, but with so much to offer for me. many things i will leave here, and many things i will miss. loved ones, music concerts, random human interactions. i think i did every single thing i've ever wanted to do in nyc, which is a pretty damn cool feeling. following my next dream, life on a tropical island where i can learn healing. and live the bi-coastal lifestyle w/my darling. giddy up! ;)
Months ago I took my blog off, today I am inspired to write. So I re-create this blog.
Yesterday I photographed an event for Survivors of torture - many enlightened Buddhist monks end up in NYC after being physically & emotionally tortured. It's sad, but they have compassion for the people torturing them. It was a great event, put on by a dear friend, Caitlyn Hardy (sister of my soul-brother Shane). Their adorable, ever-present parents and cousin and girlfriend were there, amongst the many amazing people that came. One young woman came up to me and asked some questions about my camera, lighting, and photography. Julia is a college student up to a huge life. I have not felt so inspired by someone in quite a long time. After I asked her what she likes to photograph we went to her bag and she pulled out a book. It was a photographic journal of the children in Africa that she worked with and I could not believe my eyes. She taught herself Illustrator & put this together. I kept thinking of how amazing college kids are! How expressive and full of live, thought, and inspiration. They are the dreamers, the future of this world. She reminded me a lot of myself. A lover of love and dreams. Hippie chick living on a small island, hers is up in Maine, trying to make life even better for those around her.
I'm trying the same, but today is hard as I feel I am not giving myself a better life. I met with an old childhood friend, her hubby and their adorable 2.5 year old daughter. It was amazing - babytime! I truly love kids- their life, their spirit, their love, laughter, and curiosity. I took her by the hand and walked and danced with her, on the sidewalk and on a treadmill inside a sports store. My boyfriend asked if it made me want a child. I love spending time with kids, but at this time in life I do not have what it takes to care fully for myself, let alone someone else. I had a moment when I looked at my cat and thought: I do not even have enough cash this month to fill my cupboards or buy you enough of what you need. It's a scary moment.
So I work, look for jobs and delve into music. I am listening to records until the tape on my turntable starts screeching: Eva Cassidy, John Lennon & Yoko Ono, and Atlantic Pacific. Roberta Flack is close-by but I am keeping her at bay. I move my candles and start to meditate/pray/cry. I am grateful for all of these amazing things I am doing now: a photographic documentary of a theatrical production organized into a graphic book; music video and film stills; music documentary of shows & festivals; publicity shots of corporate and gala events; managing a ukulele hip hop musician; medical photography; being a girlfriend, a friend, lover, support, daughter, sister, artist, healer, and woman. I have faith in the good of humanity and a higher power that is leading me on my way. I wonder how I am going to make it from here to there. How I can live for eight years in this city, with one job that I did not love so much in a variety of relationships that worked and did not, with enough money to go out several times per week and spend hundreds on clothing, books, electronics, wine, and music. Today, I have several jobs, a photo that just sold at auction, a relationship that I am nurturing, a home I love in a city that I still love, good family and friends around me, good health, and yet I do not have enough funds to live or totally enjoy the time with people. I need to take my life to the next level. I have a difficult time requesting money for work and I see that people around me in life have a similar problem. There has got to be a way to bust down that door of 'not enough' and have an overwhelming amount of abundance. How much investment can one put into the passions of life until it starts to shell out? Is it right to ask for something? Having no expectations is good, but...
According to my tea poetry tag "Gratitude is the opening for abundance," so this is the beginning of my gratitude journal if you may. Thank you for viewing, if you are there.
"I do believe, that if people would just start by saying "it's fun," when it seems hard; "I'm happy," when they seem sad; and "I know," when it seems as if they don't, they'd finally discover that it really is, they really are, and they always have." ~Notes from The Universe. Precisely what I needed to hear. You really know what to say to me; thank you a million times over.
This morning two little german girls ran into the subway car; their parents followed. One of them, probably 6, lay sprawled out on the seat, cute little shoes dangling over the side of the seat & totally comfortable as if it were her own bed. I admired them for a minute- maybe not knowing anything about the fast-paced city they were in & totally taking over the place. I admire kids for their sense of comfort. I took a picture in my mind & took on being carefree today. Laughing out-loud to the book 'me talk pretty one day', and every time I want to retract into myself I open more, like a flower.
waking up in the most horrid of moods, sobby tears b/c i was a jerk. i took on being 100% straight with people - and totally fun too! clean, create, clean, create. it's one hell of a livelihood but it makes things happen. it's like an artist with an erasable canvas. i am creating love like i never knew it to be. who knows what is gonna show up. but life is a field of dreams when i'm the creator. god/etc. must have felt pretty damn nice. :)
my mom was on facebook before me!! as were 3 of my aunts and an uncle, and nearly the whole world. i remember back, um years ago, when my cousin christina was in high school (now she's graduated college). steve & i were both invited by her & his brother to join. we laughed- didn't want to be on a social site. well, he was on facebook a long time ago. today i joined & it's filled to the brim with this whole world!!!! it took my friend julian to go to denmark & say 'kim will you just go on facebook' for me to do it - i replied, 'for you, yes i will.' i have to admit it was really great to see pics of all my pals!! so close & at hand. kei - no more private showings of photos needed (but i still prefer them anyway!). so i guess it's not so bad- bringing technology to connect people... i'm grumbling & smiling... :)
ok i am doing kartwheels right now - i was just asked to be jon braman's music manager!!! he is a ukulele hip hop artist with a great personality, sound, and is so unique. he's freakin awesome quite honestly!! a few days ago i sat next to one-leg chuck - a bi-coastal reggae musician - on the bus. i had seen him a few times & that day i got to chattin w/him- he is looking for a produer & i said if i were a producer i would totally produce his work. now i am a music manager & damn why not be a freakin producer. this is totally one of the most amazing moments of my life! i am just laughing at what life is handing me - cherries, not magic.
quite a wonderful day today...the simple pleasures... woke up got out of bed... you know the song :) snuggled with my kitty. cute lil one she is. good tunes on the subway. pleasant patients, good quality photos; tasty homemade lunch w/a friend; chatted w/my sis; met my best pal for dinner; played a hot sweaty exhilarating game of pool, ping pong, and bowling; edited photos & listened to new good tunes; strummed my guitar and off to bed... following my heart...this is what i call living a life i love... :)
Last night I had a split. Realizing the absolutely beautiful power of love that I have for all of mankind & how I can truly just be peaceful & at ease & exude great gentleness & beauty. On the flip side, I tried to mend, then rejected, someone’s heart who I truly love. I give him the benefit of the doubt and then doubt everything he says/does. Maybe it's warranted as he gives love then takes it away. There is no space. It’s utterly confusing & frustrating (& I imagine) not only for me. Last night, I really got how much of past relationships I ‘edit into’ other relationships with people & the stories I create & negative reactive actions I unknowingly take. Fear has crept into this sweet heart of mine & taken over for a little while, like dusty spider webs. For someone who believes love is worth more than gold, this is venom for the soul. I can turn from a 30 year-old beautiful woman into a five year-old child fearful of not being loved & being misunderstood, throwing an internal emotional tantrum. It’s so sad for someone to know me as this. Maybe it’s worse for me than others because I know what I am capable of and I want to put my best foot forward, but still… it hurts. I’m exhausted of carrying the weight of two, but realizing how I altered the vision of the load doesn’t make it easier… so I put his heart down, push it aside, and walk away. It’s not me…but it’s what I did. This is today, at this moment…it’s time I left it at that and just carry on. Perhaps he just isn't the right one & in some ways I know that...in others I cannot help but remember the absolute peaceful love that i feel in his arms. Maybe that's how life is...? There is thin line on the crest of the human-brain-split-halves.
2 songs for the recovering torn corazon.
Clark Gable by Deathcab for Cutie I was waiting for a cross-town train In the London underground When it struck me That I've been waiting since birth to find A love that would look and sound Like a movie So I changed my plans I rented a camera and a van And then I called you "I need you to pretend that we are in love again" And you agreed to
I want so badly to believe That there is truth, that love is real And I want life in every word To the extent that it's absurd
I greased the lens and framed the shot Using a friend As my stand-in The script, it called for rain But it was clear that day So we faked it The marker snapped And I yelled, "Quiet on the set!" And then called, "Action!" And I kissed you in a style Clark Gable would have admired (I thought it classic)
I want so badly to believe That there is truth, that love is real And I want life in every word To the extent that it's absurd
I know you're wise beyond your years But do you ever get the fear That your perfect verse is just a lie You tell yourself to help you get by?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Let it be by The Beatles When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be. And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be. Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.
And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree, there will be an answer, let it be. For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see, there will be an answer. let it be.
Let it be, let it be, .....
And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me, shine until tomorrow, let it be. I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
"How does one become a butterfly?" She asked pensively. "You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar." (from Bart- not sure where he got this from)
I was in Union Square & these chaps from Storyship were just so excited after figuring out a Springsteen song- A high-5 was a must! Then they gave a great private concert. So lovely!
In this video: Russell Holland - guitar/vocals Drew Pitcher - accordion/vocals Andreas Pichler - drums/vocals
The Russ Spiegel Jazz Orchestra will be performing live at The Gershwin Hotel in NYC on Tuesday April 7th, 2009 to celebrate the release of their new CD Transplants.
"Transplants" comprises nine energetic and magnificently performed Big Band Jazz pieces, all arranged and produced by Russ Spiegel. In addition to six original compositions written by Russ, "Transplants" includes songs by legendary composers Duke Ellington, Ray Noble and Paul Weston.
The 17-man strong Russ Spiegel Jazz Orchestra consists of some of New York's most talented musicians, and between the scintillating arrangements, stellar compositions and amazing musicianship there is something for everyone.
Don't miss this opportunity to catch one of New York's most electrifying live bands before the start of their world tour in support of Transplants.
The Russ Spiegel Jazz Orchestra will be playing two sets at 8pm and 9:30pm, and tickets are $15-come for the first show & stay for the second.
The Band: Russ Spiegel: compositions, arrangements, guitar Reeds: Rob Wilkerson, Alejandro Aviles, Arun Luthra, Lucas Pino, Frank Basile Trumpets: Colin Brigstocke, Kenny Lavender, James Smith, David Smith Trombones: Michael Boscarino, Jack Davis, John Yao, Max Siegel Rhythm: Art Hirahara (p), Yoshi Waki (b), Chris Benham (dr) & Special Guest: Dennis Jeter (voc)
The Gershwin Hotel is located at: 7 East 27th Street New York, NY 10016 212-545-8000 www.gershwinhotel.com
For more information about The Russ Spiegel Jazz Orchestra please visit: www.russguitar.com
Contact: Janet Castiel Redwood Entertainment Inc. Phone: (212)543-9998 info@redwoodentertainment.com
You know when an animal dies they go off on their own & into a dark space…I am feeling the same need. I have been contemplating becoming a Buddhist monk in Thailand or going on a spiritual retreat where I do not speak. There is a part of me that is dying, not in a bad way. I just know that who I have been for the last 30 years is going to be gone, and I am very attached to who I am, but I have to let that umbilical balloon go. I walked up the stairs towards my apartment the other night & the words ‘I am satisfied’ came out of my mouth- without a thought. My third eye has been totally blocked for 2 weeks, like a rock jammed in between my eyes. I do not know what is to come in my life, but something, a little easier I imagine. Like a rebirth of the soul…
Emilie Simon: Desert Engaging, haunting, & thrilling. a medley reminiscent of Martina Topley-Bird, Lykke Li, Bjork, Portishead, Lush, & Rasputina.
notes from the All Music Guide: Although Emilie Simon is a conservatory-trained experimental musician with a strong theoretical grounding, she has also made a name for herself both as a mainstream soundtrack composer and as an electronic pop musician not far removed from Björk or the Knife, with a distinctively soft, almost babyish voice that at times recalls both early Kate Bush and Claudine Longet. Born in the small coastal city of Montpellier, France, in 1978 into a musical family (her mother is a pianist, her father a sound engineer), Simon began studying music at a young age, and followed her conservatory training in voice with advanced studies in early music at the Sorbonne and electronic composition at the Institute de Recherche et Coordination Acoustique Musique (IRCAM) at the Centre Pompidou in Paris. The combination of cutting-edge electronic theory and a strong grounding in ancient vocal traditions gives Simon's work its unique tension. Simon's attractive mixture of art rock and catchy electronic pop was first unveiled on 2003's Emilie Simon, released to positive reviews and eventually winning a Victoire de la Musique (the French equivalent to the Grammy) for best electronica album of the year. Documentary director Luc Jacquet then contacted Simon to score his immersive 2005 nature documentary March of the Penquins; Simon's expressive soundtrack won the composer her second Victoire de la Musique and was nominated for a Cesar (the French equivalent to the Oscar) but lost to Bruno Coulais' score for Les Choristes. Inspired by the musique concrète elements of the soundtrack, which featured sounds of cracking ice floes and other elemental source recordings, Simon's third album, 2006's Vegetal, outdoes Stevie Wonder's Journey Through the Secret Life of Plants by not only including lyrics about vegetation but also sampled sounds taken from actual plants. In late 2006, Emilie Simon was finally properly introduced to American audiences through the release of The Flower Book, a compilation of tracks from her first three European albums. ~ Stewart Mason, All Music Guide
thanks a million, Mai. thank you for teaching me things tonight that i never learned. why is there not a class or life-manual given to us when we are children? they say 30 is the year of the transformation of life...i'm living it, and learning to just sit & be taught. it's rather refreshing not trying to have all the answers.
you know when you learn that you didn't know things?! sitting across from this woman whom i both hardly know and yet know so well, seeing ourselves in each other she taught me more in an hour about being a woman in relationships w/men than i have learned in years. i did not see guys as wanting to provide something- insight, protection, care. i was fighting them all along, trying to prove myself good enough as them. acting so 'free' and 'strong' and 'self-reliant' -- in doing so i created no space for them. my communication with guys was so screwed up! there is no need to go into the story, to justify, to make right. no need trying to clear things up over & over to make sure he knows i've changed...bringing up the past only dredges up garbage. the butterfly does not carry around the legs of the caterpillar, does it? no. being bliss & ease, that is how i am going to live my life. the only way to transform anything is to let it go & come fresh. ask a question, a simple question. get a simple answer. easy as that... i've got it. no more beating myself up over what i didn't do or say or said and regret. no more creating drama. simple conversation with people. keep it clear... my middle name...clara...i was born with it, right now, i regain the space inside of it.
